Match result

Team badge
Ratae Sabretooths

gate: 18 000
0 TD score 2
cas score
Team badge
Pheasant Pluckers

TD Scorers
Timothy the Timid
Cedric the Celebrated
Foulers (no cas)
Badly Hurt'ers
Serious Injurers
Connor the Congenial

Jaco Andyerfacerazored
Jaco Andyerfacerazored
Completions By
Interceptions By

Lote To-Kill-Ye
MVP awards to
Arthur the Arm-Strong
  Sustained Injuries  

Gorge-On Murphy
Miss Next Game
Result added February 14th, 2018

Match notes
To no-one's surprise, Slackbladder took Ugroth as an inducement, and I couldn't really argue that there was a better choice. Plus, he had a very cool mini all painted up, and for me that trumps bean counting any day of the week!

The Pheasant Pluckers had the benefit of a bigger fan base, and also managed to win the toss and elected to receive. With the help of the additional fans, they benefited from Brilliant Coaching, and went into the first half with 4 re-rolls. Turn 1 set the tone of our bashing play for the whole game, resulting in a single knock-down and a heap of pushes. The Ogre Medium Dave was also a bit slow to warm up, getting Bone Headed twice at the start of the game! The Sabretooth's return play set the tone for their game as well, resulting in multiple knock-downs, and KO to boot, but no casualties. I swear, both teams had their pillow-gloves on for the whole damn game. Mind you, while the Sabretooths were failing to cause any lasting harm, they were certainly winning the numbers game, with a slow but steady trickle of KO’d Pluckers leaving the pitch throughout the first half (and indeed, the whole game). With our numbers down and a full complement of Orcs choking the mid-field, the stalling cage grind option was off the table, so we were forced to resort to Elf tactics. Rookie Catcher Timothy the Timid took the hand-off, and sprinted for dear life past a mouth-breathing Black Orc into the sparsely-populated back field of the Sabretooths. It was a brave and noble gesture, but just a wee bit stupid, as he was still in range for a sprinting Blitzer to catch up with him and lay him out. Luckily, his flimsy armour held, and he was ready to recover. With the majority of the slow-plodding Sabres distracted with the mid-field pillow fight, the only other available support was a disgruntled line-orc who’d been relegated to sweeper duties in the back field (we suspect he didn’t fully grasp the meaning of the term in a sporting context). Alas, there was no-one in range he could wallop, so he contented himself with jogging up and growling at the ball. Things were looking a bit dire, but luckily Medium Dave had been left with no play-mates in the mid field, so after an agonising moment of temporary indecision (Bone Head, Loner re-roll, good to go!) was free to Blitz the hapless sweeper away, leaving only a single tackle zone on the ball. In addition, Tim had an ace up his sleeve, and put in some Fancy Footwork (-2 MA, +1 to all Dodges for the turn). He got up and danced around the infuriated Blitzer with ball back in hand, and having spent all his stamina on his not tripping over, stopped just short of the end zone. The Blitzer attempted another Blitz, but this time failed to connect. But it wasn’t over! Tim was so busy sneering at the inferior Orc that he failed to notice a Tripping Hazard (one opponent at start of turn goes prone), and fell flat on his racist arse. Deservedly chagrined (and using the last of the team’s re-rolls), he nonetheless managed to shake off the fall, pick up the ball one more time, and run in the touchdown.

The Sabretooths had a full four(?) turns left in the half to answer, and with no KO recoveries, the Pluckers were forced to drain the dregs from their bench to make up the numbers. With pin-point accuracy, Peter the Personable sent the kick high and far, way into the backfield. And then, Nuffle did part the clouds and with the ball held momentarily aloft in the air by a halo of Insane Good Luck, spake thusly: “Well, Get On With It, Then!” Needing no further encouragement, a couple of Pluckers recovered from their initial shock and Blitzed their way into the back field, with the remainder (including Medium Dave) repositioning to choke up the sideline grinding play that had been set up. Nuffle then saw fit to release the ball, dropping it deep into the back field as originally intended. Snarling in frustration at having been unfairly tagged, Thrower Jaco Andyerfacerazored directed his freakishly agile mate Lote To-Kill-Ye (a.k.a. “Da Ballerina”) to get the ball instead. Lote picked up the ball with no issue, but having spent his movement in ball retrieval and with no reasonable targets for a chuck, was forced to stay back field. The Blitzer who had tagged Jaco got a clip around the ears for his trouble, but he hit the dirt smiling, job done. Medium Dave also copped a Stun, but hit the dirt with a rather curious gap-toothed smile as well…

The Blitz had certainly made it much less convenient for the Sabretooths to run in the score, but it was still well within the realms of the possible. However, the Pluckers pressed their advantage, choking up the mid field cage as best they could. The initial forced setback of the ball carrier’s position, slow recovery from the Sabres, coupled with a well-timed Dogged Defence from Medium Dave (prone players still count as having Tackle Zones) at a crucial point was enough to stall the scrum of Sabres just long enough. A lone Orc Blitzer who snuck into the back field was the only viable target. However, a suicide one-die blitz on Lote saw the ball dislodged, and although they couldn’t score, the offensive Pluckers ran the ball far enough out of reach for a Touchdown to be off the cards. Luckily, the Sabretooths still had their pillow-gloves on, so the obligatory frenzy of retaliation did no lasting harm. End of the half, and by the grace of Nuffle it was 1-0 in the Pluckers favour, but the Sabres were utterly uninjured and receiving in the second half…

RUM-BRRM-BRRM-BRRM! Out came Ugroth and his chainsaw for the second half, eager to cut a wide swath of destruction while his hiring team did important things like stopping the Ref from getting to him for as long as possible, and unimportant things like pick up the ball and stuff. The Pluckers had a bit more luck with KO recoveries this time around, but were crucially missing their only Guard, Daniel the Dashing. Regardless, it didn’t take a tactical genius to realise that Bashing simply wasn’t the answer against these Orcs.

Another deep kick from Peter, more Brilliant Coaching from the Pluckers’ staff (phew!) and the half was underway. Nuffle was continuing to smile upon the Pluckers that game, as the initial onslaught on the LOS resulted in no serious injuries, and the obligatory chainsaw foul from Ugroth was (a) committed on Ignatius the Ignoble (a.k.a. “Meat Shield #2”); (b) only a Stun; and (c) noticed immediately by the Ref. Thanks for playing, Ugroth!

The Pluckers did not keep their numbers advantage for too long though, as the steady trickle of KOs kept on keeping on. In a curious repeat of the latter part of the first half, the Sabres ended up running another cage grind down the sidelines, this time with markedly more progress. Around turn 3 or 4, they managed to pierce the pesky screen put up by the Pluckers, and Da Ballerina was through and in the clear, with his only serious threat being Medium Dave, who was duly assigned a Black Orc by Coach Slackbladder for distraction purposes (having learned his lesson in the first half). With no better option presenting itself, star Catcher Neville the Nervous disengaged himself from deep in the back field, and resignedly slunk in next to an orc Blitzer to cancel a crucial assist, which along with the assist from Dave, gave cramped lineman Philip the Phlegmatic enough breathing room to attempt a one-die block on Dave’s rather ugly plaything. Push was all we were praying for, and Push it was. Dave was freed up, and having gotten all the stupidity out of his system in the first half, remembered what the hell he was supposed to be doing and thundered down the pitch to give Lote a big cuddle. Down he went on the sideline, Stunned but not off, and the ball bounced inward and away from the Pluckers’ end zone. With only Black Orcs and a Troll in the immediate vicinity, and all other conscious not-crap ball-handlers either too far away or distracted with pesky taggers, the Sabres elected to focus on covering the ball, thumping and tagging the remaining Pluckers, and taking down their nemesis. Medium Dave only copped a Push, which was lucky enough, but it put him right next to the screaming, rabid fans on the sidelines. Neville was similarly lucky and stayed upright, but ended up as the meat in a Black Orc sandwich.

With our options severely and expertly limited, the Pluckers had no choice but to go Full Elf. First off, Connor the Congenial (Meat Shield #3), who had just recovered from a previous Stun near the LOS, had been ignored as a threat. But he had enough movement in him for a GFI two-dice blitz against the Orc who was tagging baby-faced recruit Cedric the Celebrated at the edge of the Sabres’ midfield. Pow, down goes the tagger, and Cedric is now unfettered. Seeing this, Medium Dave enthusiastically contributes to the cause with a two-dicer against the one Black Orc on the ball, and plunks him down where he stands (gotta love Block on a Big Guy!) Not ideal, as it still leaves him perilously close to the fans, but coach Birdman is long past caring at this point. Grumbling something about “not my job”, Neville then kicks in with more fancy footwork (not the card, just lucky rolls), dodging out of his Black Orc sandwich, down to the now uncovered ball, picks it up, rushes up-field and snaps off an initially wobbly but eventually accurate short pass to Cedric. All Cedric had to do was catch. Yeah, nice try Cedric. Nuffle, having strung the Pluckers along this far, finally came to collect.

Or did he? As first order of business, the now justifiably infuriated Slackbladder sent one of his Black Orcs up to put Blitzer Cedric out of his misery. Skull/Both Down, rerolled into the exact same result. Guess who hasn’t got Block? Utterly stunned at the heaven-sent turnover (and a bit miffed to be cheated of the completion), Neville runs in, picks up the ball again, and shoves it pointedly up Cedric’s jersey. Needing no further hint, the rookie Blitzer belted off down into the back field, a paradise of Orc-free serenity. He was sufficiently out of range to stall for long enough to ensure that the Goblin-free Sabretooths had no chance to answer back, and then waltzed in the second touchdown of the game. Dave avoided a potential crowd surf with a lucky one-dicer on Jaco (but still no injury), and in fact the only casualty of the match was caused by a frustrated one dice block from Gorge-On Murphy resulting in a Skull, causing their only Mighty Blow Blitzer to miss the next game. Connor, previously resigned to his role as Meat Shield #3, was as surprised as anybody. Deflated, the Sabretooths could only manage more LOS pillow-fighting for their final turn of the match, and the Pluckers walked away unable to believe their good fortune.


Many thanks to Slackbladder for a real nail biter of a game, and for being a fantastic sport, particularly in the light of all the Elvish BS that I managed to pull off this game.

-- Birdman

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